Improve Your Relationships

 

Cultivating better, stronger, and long lasting relationships can enhance our life experience. And I don't just mean with a partner, but family, in business, both with yourself, and everyone you interact with over the course of your day.

 

In this episode I share tips and the insights I've found that have helped me cultivate a strong network over the years and well as improve my interactions with others day to day. Full audio and transcript below. Lmk what you think!

 

Better Relationships

(0:01 - 0:28)

Let's drop in to the intention of realizing better relationships. Now, as I record this, I'm a single man. So I'm not married and I'm not dropping into the deep marriage kind of counseling theme work per se.

(0:28 - 1:29)

But generally speaking here about my experience with relationships and interacting with people. And in a whole bunch of different capacities and different parts of the world, different areas of my life, different contexts and similar. And patterns and notes and tips and all these kinds of good things that I've made note of and recognize on my personal growth journey, which includes, you know, creating better relationships, realizing greater harmony, alignment, joy, you know, and similar.

(1:30 - 2:01)

So there's all kinds, right, of different types of relationships. Of course, we have relationships with our family, our partner, you know, our employer, our business partners, people we cross paths with in our day to day. You know, at the coffee shop or the grocery store.

(2:02 - 2:37)

Relationships with our elected officials, our service providers, all kinds of different things. So we'd probably also get maybe a bit, you know, fatigued going through every one of those cases and every possible case I could think of to talk about them specifically. But we'll do our best to talk about those that come up and come through to be, you know, discussed and considered here.

(2:38 - 3:25)

And in establishing, I suggest, and realizing and enjoying better relationships with those around us, no matter where we encounter these people or what in what form of relationship, like I just mentioned. I'll suggest this is constant and consistent and required to improve those. And a first principle of this, I'd suggest is establishing a better relationship with yourself.

(3:25 - 4:52)

If we engage with those around us without bringing, I would suggest, our best selves forward that we can at any given time to participate in those exchanges. Then we're not really truly fully there, in my opinion. Because if we're tired, hungover, stressed out, you know, angry, like we're carrying sharper emotional states with us at the time, which is normal because we all carry this stuff, right? But if we're carrying it, you know, on our sleeve and we engage in these exchanges, because let's think of it like a relationship is, you know, one thing engaging with another.

(4:52 - 5:41)

Basically, what is the relationship between these two people, right? So, you know, I go to do this thing and they have this service or whatever that they are meant to provide to me. And then we're going to interact to fulfill that experience, whatever that's, you know, supposed to be or intended to be or meant to be. And so entering into it from one of those states like where we're not fully really centered or grounded or, you know, in our best place, that's okay.

(5:42 - 6:15)

I mean, I still suggest that we're seeking authenticity in our relationships, but maybe I'll get into that a little more if it comes through here. But it's how we manage that. And the best way to recognize and manage and calibrate ourselves for these experiences is by having a good relationship with ourselves.

(6:16 - 6:44)

And so as we do that, if we have a good relationship with ourselves, then we're like, maybe we're not too hard on ourselves. Generally, we're maybe getting enough sleep or we're looking after ourselves as best we can to participate. And when we're there engaging with others, we're not distracted, exhausted, you know, stressed.

(6:44 - 7:35)

But, you know, we still might be, we might still have those things in us, but we're not like outwardly projecting them would be probably more accurately stated, right? Because when our relationship with ourselves is better, we're more aware of those behaviors. We're taking note, we're looking at ourselves and our own behavior objectively and recognizing how we act when we're stressed and how we treat others when we're stressed or how we, you know, treat ourselves when we're stressed, things like this. So when we go for that coffee, if we're stressed, we're late, we're in a hurry.

(7:35 - 7:45)

You're trying to get that coffee. It's taking a bit of time. There's, you know, a younger person at their first job, maybe trying to make you this coffee.

(7:45 - 8:14)

There's a big lineup, you know, the cash, like, do we even call these cash registers anymore? Like the deposit system, the point of sale system? It's all digital now, right? By and large, a lot of places don't even take cash anymore. That's a topic for another day. But, right.

(8:14 - 8:53)

It's not working properly. They get a backlog of coffees and you're stressed because you're late, right? But so how do you navigate that with this person? How do you respond to that circumstance? If we don't really have a great relationship with ourselves and our environment, right? Then I'm going to suggest that the first instinct is to project that frustration onto others, right? That stress, that frustration, whatever else. Anger.

(8:56 - 9:10)

And I feel there's some places that we all feel we have license to do it. You know, socially. A coffee shop, sure.

(9:13 - 9:25)

When talking to customer service reps of cell phone companies. I feel that's another one. Parking ticket attendants.

(9:26 - 9:42)

They take a lot of flack. When dealing with public company executives. That's a place that takes a lot of heat.

(9:43 - 9:52)

And the types of people that take a lot of heat. Government representatives. Massive amount of heat.

(9:53 - 10:11)

It takes sitting in those seats. So our relationship, and generally accepted relationship, right or wrong, I don't feel it's right. But it seems to be that many feel they have the license to have a reasonably toxic relationship with these types of people.

(10:11 - 10:34)

If the circumstances aren't going their way. And those are exacerbated, I'd suggest, by our own relationship with ourselves. Because if we're looking after ourselves, we're kind of adhering to our general mindful practice.

(10:36 - 10:40)

We've exercised that day. We've had a good meal. We're full of the right nutrients.

(10:41 - 10:56)

We had a good sleep last night. Just to talk about some of the things that are supportive of improving your relationship with yourself. Which I have spoken about and which you'll continue to hear me talk about a lot.

(10:57 - 11:13)

Because they're like pillars. These are aspects of improving your relationship with yourself. So that no matter what's going on, in that circumstance, you don't lose your cool.

(11:14 - 11:35)

And you can navigate that circumstance in a balanced way. And not damage the relationship. Or wound the relationship.

(11:36 - 11:51)

And of course the individual that you're dealing with. Or the whole shop, maybe. Everybody who's involved there is who you generally interact with.

(11:51 - 11:58)

You're interacting with the whole company. Every time. You know, you go.

(11:59 - 12:15)

No matter who you're actually specifically speaking with. And what can happen that sours relationships. That creates wounds in relationships, I suggest.

(12:16 - 12:37)

That ruins relationships. Isn't so much how we act on the good days. Right? But it's how we act on the tough days.

(12:37 - 12:48)

Or what we'll call the bad days. Or whatever. Right? If you go in on your Sunday to the coffee shop.

(12:49 - 12:56)

Maybe you have all the time in the world. And it's, you know, you're flowing. You got your flip-flops on.

(12:56 - 13:01)

The sun's out. You got nowhere to be. It's just, I'm going in.

(13:01 - 13:06)

I'm grabbing my tea. And I'm just going to go for a stroll today. And everything feels lovely.

(13:06 - 13:14)

And the birds are singing. Well, sure. When you walk in on that day, there's a good chance, like, there's a vibe.

(13:15 - 13:44)

Right? And, you know, in that spirit, it'll probably be a positive interaction. But the test of good relationships. The test of achieving, I would suggest, and sustaining better relationships with everyone around you in your world.

(13:45 - 13:54)

Is about how you carry yourself on the hard days. On the bad days. Which I don't really like using the word bad days.

(13:54 - 13:57)

But on the hard days. The tough days. The challenging days.

(13:58 - 14:09)

Right? When the chips are down. And what you do in those circumstances. You know, everybody has those.

(14:11 - 14:21)

You hear me use slang so many times and sayings and all this stuff. It just kind of, like, infused in me now. After the years of doing various things.

(14:24 - 14:34)

And some, you know, you might catch or not. But, you know, everyone has, like, there's literally a war going on. But everybody has their war stories.

(14:34 - 14:44)

Right? So maybe it's not the best, like, saying to use. But it means their battle stories. Right? The days when things weren't great.

(14:44 - 15:30)

And the stories about how you got through it. And who you got through it with. Right? And, you know, did you break? Did you destroy? Did you damage those relationships with those people you got through it with at that time? Or did you hold the line? Did you keep it together? Did you hang in there? And did you work through it? Right? And did you get through it? Because if you do, and we all have these stories of people that we work with or we hang with or we experience life with day to day.

(15:32 - 15:50)

And we have these stories with people. And the more of those stories we have with people, the deeper our relationships. And the more of those things we go through and get through with people, that really stack up.

(15:50 - 16:20)

And in positive ways that you got through those things with those people, I'd suggest the stronger your relationship is there. Right? And so it doesn't mean you need to go out and run and grab someone and say, we need to go do a bunch of things together so our relationship gets better. But also, why not? You know, it is a way, right? Of learning about the people around you.

(16:23 - 16:37)

Of getting to know the people around you on a deeper level. And, you know, creating those memories, creating those experiences. And they can be related or unrelated, you know.

(16:40 - 16:47)

Like team building. Think of corporate team building and what it's meant to do. It's meant to build relationships.

(16:48 - 17:03)

But what they all don't do is go to therapy together. They all don't go sit down in front of a psychologist and say, we're here, you know, to improve our relationship. You know? That's not what's going on.

(17:03 - 17:15)

They go and play, like, basketball together. Or they go to a sports event. Or they, you know, depending on who you work with, they go on corporate retreats.

(17:18 - 17:24)

Or like an excursion together. Whatever. That has nothing to do specifically with what they do.

(17:25 - 17:39)

But everything to do with the people spending time together. Outside, most likely, of what they do. So that they can get to know each other better.

(17:40 - 17:52)

And how each other kind of flows. And help improve the kind of natural organic interactions of people. You know, organization.

(17:56 - 18:31)

With each other in it. Right? Because what happens is, on the tough days, if you don't have those types of bonds, you don't have those deeper connections or deeper layers between people, you will forge them on the tough days. But you could also destroy them on the tough days.

(18:31 - 18:45)

If you lose your cool. And the point where you're usually going to lose your cool is right before things get better. Right? It's like the breaking point.

(18:45 - 18:56)

You're like, holy, I can't take this anymore, whatever. And you're like, hey! Right? And you just, whatever. And then, oh, maybe you were wrong.

(18:57 - 19:03)

Maybe it wasn't that bad. And it was a simple mistake. Maybe they didn't hear your name right.

(19:04 - 19:12)

Maybe you told them you were going to get it over here and you weren't there. Maybe you just, whatever. Maybe it's also your mistake.

(19:12 - 19:18)

After you blasted them. Right? And then you go, oh. Oh, that's right.

(19:18 - 19:22)

That was me. Sorry about that. Okay, well, sorry about that.

(19:22 - 19:37)

And the average person will get over it. But also, your reaction has wounded the relationship. Right? You've hurt that connection.

(19:39 - 19:53)

And you've done it because you couldn't hold it together. Right? Even if you're not getting along. You know, you raise your voice instead of raising your argument.

(19:53 - 20:10)

And when you raise your argument, you don't need to raise your voice. So the facts are the facts. So if the coffee's wrong and someone's disagreeing with you, it's very simple to just say, This coffee, my friend, surely has cream.

(20:11 - 20:21)

And I asked for a coffee without cream. That's not something that needs to be really deeply debated. It's just, it does or it doesn't.

(20:21 - 20:31)

It doesn't also need you to scream that at somebody. Right? No matter what's going on. But lots of people do.

(20:33 - 20:44)

Right? Lots of people are at that edge energetically. And so they do. This coffee's got cream in it.

(20:44 - 20:46)

Whatever. You've seen it. Everybody's seen it.

(20:47 - 20:59)

It happens. Right? And it happens daily all over the place. But what is the trigger of that? Why do people behave this way? Well, people are under pressure.

(20:59 - 21:08)

People are trying to get places. They're trying to do things. But they're moving from living in the present moment and trusting they're right where they're supposed to be.

(21:08 - 21:24)

And the time they're supposed to be there. Versus, I need to be somewhere else and I'm late and they're pushing into the future. That's the difference between, like, flow and, like, you know, big pressure energy.

(21:26 - 21:32)

And, look, you know, a side note. You just can't force things in life. You just can't.

(21:32 - 22:02)

You can lean into life to a degree, I think, and feel to go about your day. But you should recognize in this exploration of improving your relationship with yourself and improving your relationship with others. That the line not to cross, the threshold not to cross in your leaning in is the place where you're blasting people.

(22:03 - 22:16)

Right? Because things just aren't going the way you expect them to go. So, if you start hitting that place, you've gone too far, I would suggest. And you need to pull yourself back and take a beat.

(22:17 - 22:26)

And you know what? Instead of getting to that place at that time, you say, hey, you know what? It's just not going to work. I'm not going to make it. For whatever reason.

(22:27 - 22:39)

I was stuck in traffic and the coffee shop, you know, unfortunately is messed up. You know, our orders or my order or whatever. And I'm, you know, still on the other side of town.

(22:39 - 22:59)

And can we just push this to another date? Can we just move this till, you know, later this afternoon or whatever? It doesn't always happen. That's going to work. However, you know that when you react that way, you're pushing too hard, is my suggestion.

(22:59 - 23:15)

Because there's collateral damage. Right? So, you see, you know, Joey or Susie behind the counter of this coffee shop. I'm just really leaning into this coffee shop example.

(23:15 - 23:23)

But it's working. So far, it's, you know, surface level a bit. It just serves us for the moment.

(23:23 - 23:28)

So, they're working. And it's Wednesday, middle of the week. And you come in.

(23:28 - 23:32)

And you're in a rush. And you're tapping your foot. And you're looking at the watch.

(23:32 - 23:41)

And you're like, oh, you know, I got to get going. You know, hey, Joey, like what are we doing? You know, and you just give them a blast. Right? So, everybody catches a blast from you.

(23:44 - 23:54)

They don't appreciate it. Right? You're entering into this now engagement with them. You're giving them a whole bunch of, you know, whatever.

(23:56 - 24:00)

And then you get your coffee. And you rush out the door. You don't even say thank you.

(24:01 - 24:07)

Right? And you walk out the door. And you're like, oh, God. You know, these people or something.

(24:08 - 24:14)

Whatever you're muttering under your breath. Then you come back on a Sunday. And everything's cool and chill.

(24:15 - 24:38)

And you're like, hey, Joey, what's going on? You know? Well, Joey's going to be like, hey, what's up? But the other part of Joey is going to, like, still have this wound. And still, like, have some resentment from how you just put them on blast that day. You know? And it's hard to do.

(24:40 - 24:52)

It's hard to be this person that is just, like, you know, aware in all moments. Because, you know, we're made of water. Right? We're fluid.

(24:53 - 24:58)

We're flowing. Our emotions come and go. Challenges come and go.

(25:01 - 25:14)

We experience different states. Throughout the day. But depending on what you're doing in your life, how you're living professionally in your life, and other.

(25:15 - 25:32)

Right? Like family, life, and kids around and stuff. I would suggest that the space to be held and the skill to develop is a strong emotional intelligence. We hear people talk about EQ.

(25:34 - 25:53)

And your emotional intelligence is your ability to feel, to experience whatever is coming up. Whatever is triggering you in any moment. And to stay cool in that.

(25:54 - 26:07)

To stay centered. Like, let that feeling be full. But for you to manage that feeling without just, you know, sending it at the person that's in front of you.

(26:09 - 26:27)

You know, if you're frustrated about something else, then blasting that frustration at your coffee shop barista is not the solution. It doesn't get you any closer to the solution. It isn't a problem that they've necessarily created.

(26:28 - 26:37)

Like, let's be honest. If your coffee's taking an extra minute, this is not the end of the world, folks. You know what I mean? So, like, there are real issues in the world.

(26:37 - 27:00)

And there are issues that are non-issues in the world. And part of developing strong emotional intelligence, I would suggest, is being able to filter and recognize what the difference of those are. You know, depending on circumstances, we need to, you know, meet those moments with the energy state that is required to match them.

(27:00 - 27:08)

And there are some professions and careers that are, you know, very intense. High stress. High stakes.

(27:10 - 27:55)

And, you know, it's really important, right, to be fully present and on in those events. But in those events also, the leaders of people and teams and similar in those circumstances are those who are masters on the emotional intelligence scale, I will assure you, that can keep cool heads under fire. Right? And that could be in executive roles or like, you know, social service roles like doctors, nurses, paramedics, police, fire.

(27:55 - 28:03)

Right? You know, politics. For sure. Think of what politicians actually deal with.

(28:04 - 28:15)

Like, they're putting out fires and trying to get ahead of them, like, every day. But many people are not just politicians, but it's a great example. Right? Those are big stakes.

(28:16 - 28:31)

Those impact lots and lots of people. And because they're in those seats, everyone has an opinion because they're very visible people and very visible roles. Right? Because they're in service to so many.

(28:32 - 29:03)

And so, you know, in improving our relationships with everyone, else it's important to do this work to keep ourselves grounded, centered, and cool. Right? In the most kind of acute circumstances, we'll say. Just to be able to stay in that state, really, no matter what we're actually feeling.

(29:04 - 29:09)

If we're under pressure, we're under pressure. We're frustrated. We're angry.

(29:09 - 29:14)

That is me. That is my energy. It will pass.

(29:15 - 29:37)

And it's important for me to be aware that I'm feeling that. And also be mindful not to project that at others. And our ability to hold on to that, I suggest, will vastly improve all of our relationships right across the board.

(29:38 - 30:01)

The second aspect to consider with respect to relationships is that everyone we encounter, a couple of concepts here, is looking at it through this lens. That everyone we encounter, we encounter for a reason. That everyone we meet is meant to teach us something.

(30:02 - 30:39)

And that everyone is a mirror and a messenger, a reflection of us in some way. That everyone is meant to show us something about ourselves or to deliver an insight about us and our life experience that is meant to help us along and further along in our way of our own growth. Right? There's a lot in there.

(30:40 - 30:55)

But just consider that for a second. If that's the case. So how, if that is the case, would you interact with people differently? Well, you would, I would suggest, be less of a victim in your relationships.

(30:57 - 31:15)

You would open more in your relationships. You would listen more than speak in your relationships. And you would participate perhaps a little more constructively in those relationships.

(31:16 - 31:44)

And that doesn't matter who it is. Right? So this said, there are those who are working through their own relationship with themselves that we can come across. So let's say we're doing our work.

(31:44 - 32:08)

Let's say like we're developing our emotional intelligence. And what helps that? Just a side note. You know, meditation, exercise, rest, nutrition, kind of, you know, a balanced workday, like fresh air, outdoors, you know.

(32:13 - 32:31)

You know, responsible financial management. Finances are one of, I would suggest, the greatest emotional triggers for people. And especially when you're dealing with financial matters with others.

(32:33 - 32:42)

That does not necessarily give you license to treat them poorly. I shouldn't even say necessarily. It really does not.

(32:43 - 33:19)

But depending, if you lose money or you're being ripped off, it's like one of the harder things to hang on to is you're cool in those circumstances when you're dealing with that stuff. People get really hot about that. Right? So, you know, having those kinds of ducks in a row and those kinds of rituals and practices can help you in the management of your emotion, breath work, and really working on breath work techniques.

(33:19 - 33:44)

So when you feel things come up for you in a circumstance, instead of speaking, taking a big deep breath and relaxing your body is your first move. Finding a bit of patience in the moment is a tool as opposed to blasting. You know, it's like self-restraint, self-control.

(33:46 - 34:52)

These types of things, right? Just some side kind of notes on improving your emotional intelligence in that circumstance, which thereby I suggest will help improve your relationships in all categories with all people is being able to do that. But then we're going to also, as we go about our days, encounter people that are doing their work on themselves and maybe haven't figured it all out yet. Or those people who aren't doing any work on themselves and they're just like an open fire hose of, you know, toxicity or something.

Right? And so it's a bit of a flip in that case because they're projecting, they're yelling at you, they're giving you all the flack, they're letting you have it because you're the one behind the counter making the coffee. And you got it wrong because I don't know, maybe it's your first day. Maybe you just, it's not your superpower.

(34:52 - 35:01)

Maybe you're just not a great coffee maker. You know, the people draw the little, you know, drawings in the foam and stuff like that's an art form. Maybe you're just not good at it.

(35:01 - 35:23)

I mean, I couldn't, I could probably draw you a heart or something, but like, I don't know. You know what I mean? Some of those designs are pretty elaborate. And maybe this person behind the counter is mad because they're going to give this to their kid and it's supposed to be like, it's supposed to be Mickey Mouse in the foam or something like, right? And this woman is just like giving it to me because I got it wrong.

(35:23 - 36:03)

Like, all right, you know, doing my best over here. Right? And so how do you improve that relationship in those circumstances when you're in, you know, a relationship where you're on the receiving end of that and it's others toxicity that you're getting blasted with? Well, it comes around the same way, right? You can be the source of the receiver. And when you're the receiver, I would suggest is the best thing to do is not take it on.

(36:08 - 36:17)

Acknowledge it. Recognize it for what it is. But don't take the bait.

(36:17 - 36:30)

You know, if I'm a barista, I'm standing back there and like somebody's yelling at me because I didn't give them the right like foam design. My first instinct is, you know exactly where I'd like to tell them to go. Right? That's your first instinct.

(36:31 - 36:46)

You're like, hold on there, sunshine. Right? And give them a blast because you're not going to take that. However, to improve that relationship and save that relationship is to hear them out.

(36:46 - 37:01)

To not, you know, let that impact your own energy and how you feel. You know, definitely don't want to patronize them anymore by like, oh yeah, you know, yeah, I really, I'm listening. I get it.

(37:01 - 37:07)

I mean, Mickey Mouse. Oh, I know. Like he's, I can't believe I couldn't draw this properly.

(37:07 - 37:32)

Like you don't, you don't, you're not trying to egg them on because they're just going to go even more intense. But like you genuinely, sincerely just want to just hold that space. And usually I will suggest when people are blasting, they're raising their voice instead of their argument because they don't feel heard.

(37:33 - 38:03)

Why else would you raise your voice? Why else would you get louder? Why is that an instinct? It's an instinct because you don't feel that people can actually hear what you're saying. So you speak up. But the reality is they might not just even follow your logic, which doesn't require you to speak any louder.

(38:03 - 38:33)

Maybe your argument isn't that, or their argument is not sound, right? That's okay. But we're going to figure that part out when they're behaving this way. Because the work in navigating that and sustaining the relationship, because what happens if you don't, right? Then this woman what? This woman takes the comment card, gives me a zero star review, sends it to head office, calls my manager.

(38:35 - 38:44)

Goes on Yelp, goes on Google, leaves a brutal review, name drops because they saw my name tag. Whatever. And then all of a sudden I'm under all this heat.

(38:45 - 39:00)

Because who kind of wins that battle ultimately? There are boundaries. We'll get to boundaries in a second. But your management's going to come and they're going to let you know how they feel about that.

(39:00 - 39:19)

And the outcome is that this isn't a good vibe. So how are we going to deal with that better next time if it had to escalate to that? Because they took all those means to express themselves. Why? Because they still didn't feel heard when they left.

(39:19 - 39:32)

And they still didn't feel it was resolved when they left. So your goal is to find that disarmament process in those types of circumstances. It'll improve that relationship.

(39:32 - 40:07)

And also to introduce some alchemy into that, to transform that relationship going forward. So how you handle that, and it doesn't matter who it is, can become the crack that breaks that bridge with that person. Or it can become the cement or the glue that reinforces it and deepens it and strengthens it for future interactions.

(40:07 - 40:20)

And the best way to do that is to then just stay super cool. And if you find someone is raising their voice, don't match it. You stay grounded.

(40:20 - 40:26)

You keep your cool. You feel into yourself. Even if you feel intimidated, afraid, whatever's coming up.

(40:26 - 40:33)

Again, same process as the breath work. You're breathing. Relax your body.

(40:34 - 40:44)

Stay present. And listen. And give this person, no matter what you think about what they're saying, give them an opportunity to get it all out of their system.

(40:46 - 40:52)

It's one of the techniques I use all the time. Because I do a lot of deal making. I do a lot of negotiation.

(40:52 - 41:06)

I do a lot of turnaround work with companies. And when you do turnaround work, you go into companies that are heavily distressed. And stress is in that word.

(41:06 - 41:23)

It means everyone's under a lot of pressure. And they also have a lot of opinions about the whole circumstance and everyone else. Because when things get really, really tough, people can start pointing fingers at each other.

(41:24 - 41:50)

You don't want to be one of those people. But to help smooth that over, and it's not just to glaze it over, but to help rebalance that circumstance, sift through that energy, and find the problems in the company, in the organization. You have to listen.

(41:50 - 41:57)

So I just hold space. I have those meetings or whatever. And I just listen.

(41:57 - 42:03)

And I let those people fully express themselves. And I take the parts that are real great insights. Because I'm listening.

(42:03 - 42:16)

Here's my messenger. What do they have to share? This is going to give me insight into what's going on. And I'm also just going to kind of ease them off the edge a little bit of the energy.

(42:16 - 42:44)

And just let them feel heard. And usually when people feel heard, they'll express themselves. But if they feel that you heard them, and you received their thoughts on something, and did not react, did not judge those thoughts, did not mock them, did not take all those baits that you could have.

(42:46 - 43:12)

You could have done, then they're going to relax. Right? They're certainly also going to be looking for like, and what do you feel about that? What are you going to do about that? Whatever. But then that's your opportunity from there to kind of take control of that circumstance again.

(43:12 - 43:27)

Take the power back and to initiate that resolution, which will deepen your relationship and improve your relationship. If you just took it and listened and said, okay, that's cool. Thanks.

(43:27 - 43:32)

I took some notes. Well, have a great day. They're going to be like, wait a second.

(43:33 - 43:41)

Right? They're like, well, okay. I just explained this to you. You didn't even, you just acknowledged you heard it, but you just walked away.

(43:42 - 43:53)

Well, now I've got to go share that with someone else who's actually going to hear it and act on it. Right? And do something about it. So that's the process.

(43:53 - 44:00)

As you listen, you hear it all. You take the parts that make sense. You can do something about it.

(44:00 - 44:09)

The parts you control. You kind of say, I can't do anything about the things that already happened that weren't in my control or whatever. But I hear these things and then here's what I propose.

(44:09 - 44:19)

Or I'm going to take some space. Give me a day or two, depending on where we're experiencing this. And I'll come back to you.

(44:23 - 44:32)

And they'll appreciate that. And then when you come back to them, you'll have proposals, solutions, whatever. And you propose that.

(44:32 - 44:42)

And they say, that's good. When you come out of that, you guys are like solid bond. Right? And you do that process like every time something comes up, really.

(44:43 - 44:52)

You just take it and receive it. And some are going to be bigger things. They're going to need a little bit more time to digest energetically and feel into and reflect on.

(44:53 - 45:00)

To find that harmony again. And some just need a few minutes. Or I'm just going to sit over here for a sec.

(45:00 - 45:11)

You know? Like it doesn't need a. It just needs a little space. It doesn't need days without talking or something. But it depends on how big the things are.

(45:12 - 45:35)

But it doesn't matter what category we're working in. That is the process of just holding a strong emotionally intelligent engagement with others. That allows and holds space for honest, authentic exchanges.

(45:35 - 45:40)

Deeper connections. Mutual trust and openness. And a whole bunch of great things.

(45:40 - 45:56)

Right? But let's say this is the caveat to this a bit. Is where this toxic person, for instance, is like super aggressive. There are boundaries.

(45:58 - 46:06)

And improving our relationships. Our relationship with ourself. Ourselves.

(46:06 - 46:16)

And also improving our relationship with others. Is recognizing our own boundaries. Because if we aren't establishing healthy boundaries for ourselves.

(46:17 - 46:39)

Then we aren't loving ourselves as a starting point. Right? Others will take from us the joy and the light that we have to share with others. And if we don't check that appropriately.

(46:39 - 46:47)

When appropriate. When people are crossing those lines. To rebalance those.

(46:48 - 47:05)

Then we will be carrying that energy, I will suggest, into our other relationships. And those will be impacting those negatively. So, letting it happen does not just create a disservice for us.

(47:07 - 47:22)

It's actually, you know, and to ourselves. It's actually a disservice to everyone else that we're connected to. That we actually have a great relationship with.

(47:23 - 47:35)

And it will weigh on that and those relationships. And it will cost those relationships. And it will contribute to souring those relationships.

(47:35 - 47:54)

If the toxic relationships we are holding are not dealt with or rebalanced. Which are, you know, equally potentially one and the same. So, in what context? Say you have a boss.

(47:56 - 48:04)

Stay at our coffee shop. Why not? You have the manager of the coffee shop. Who just gives it to you every time you make a coffee.

(48:04 - 48:13)

And they just give it to you all day. And they're not giving you your breaks. Right? And they're calling you at weird hours.

(48:13 - 48:21)

Telling you, you know, they need you right away. Or they're not giving you like fair hours. They're making you come in like super early.

(48:21 - 48:31)

Even though you've, you know, requested normal hours. Because you have other responsibilities at that time. And everyone knows it.

(48:31 - 48:41)

But they're doing it, you know, out of spite. Because, you know, they're envious of your partner. Or your haircut.

(48:42 - 49:00)

Or your whatever. Maybe you're funnier than them or something. Like people have all their different types of triggers.

Right? And when they speak to you, they're like super aggressive. They call you a bunch of names. This is an extreme example.

(49:00 - 49:15)

But like they call you a bunch of names. They belittle your comments. And they just make your experience like generally hell.

(49:16 - 49:22)

But this is your job. This is the job you want and you need. Because you have other responsibilities.

(49:22 - 49:31)

You have bills to pay and whatever. Well, there's a couple things. One, no matter what circumstance that you're in.

(49:31 - 49:42)

If it's a toxic environment and relationship with others. And it's like way over the line. And you're holding that space and you're keeping your cool.

(49:42 - 49:55)

And, you know, you're hearing. But like you just keep getting things on blast or whatever. And especially like verbally demeaning and whatnot is one thing.

(49:55 - 50:04)

But like physically aggressive and violent is another. No matter what situation you're in. And in business I say this all the time.

(50:06 - 50:17)

When you enter into a relationship, you must always, if you love yourself. I'll suggest it's a strong statement. But like as a part of loving yourself.

(50:18 - 50:31)

If you enter into something and it's not working. And those are the types of experiences you're experiencing on a toxic level. You must always be willing to walk away.

(50:31 - 50:42)

And I will suggest to you here to always trust in what will meet you there when you walk away. And don't fear the unknown in that. Because you're coming back to yourself.

(50:43 - 50:52)

And in those situations you're losing yourself. Right? So like, get a little woo here. But like your aura is being depleted.

(50:52 - 51:00)

Your energy level is being depleted. Your light's being dimmed. Right? So the walking away is coming back to yourself.

(51:00 - 51:07)

Which will brighten you again. Because you will get closer to the natural person that you are. Feeling good.

(51:07 - 51:15)

Doing things that you love. And with the people you like and get along with. And something new will open for you.

(51:15 - 51:29)

So never fear that. Right? But prior to walking, it is the holding space. And to express, again, in a noncombative way, though, that you don't feel comfortable.

(51:29 - 51:39)

That you feel your boundaries are being crossed. That, you know, you are a professional or you're a human being. Both.

(51:41 - 51:54)

You, you know, request and expect a certain degree of respect as such. Which you offer the same. But that you won't be tolerating crossing the boundaries.

(51:55 - 52:02)

And that's what I mean. Like, imagine you're at the coffee shop. And like, in front of a whole bunch of people, including customers.

(52:02 - 52:09)

Your manager just berates you and calls you a bunch of names. Like, bro. Cross the line.

(52:10 - 52:25)

Right? The question for yourself is, do I walk out that day? Do I have a meeting in the back office with that person? And ideally a witness also. So nobody can twist it. And have the conversation about that.

(52:25 - 52:32)

And how completely unacceptable that is. And if that ever happens again, that you are walking. Because you should.

(52:33 - 52:44)

Imagine you're on the floor in front of people and the manager comes up and pushes you. Would you put up with that? Not many, I feel, would put up with that. But I don't feel any of you should at all.

(52:44 - 52:54)

And there's different ways to experience this type of stuff. You know, similarly. Lack of reciprocation.

(52:55 - 53:01)

People not listening. Not hearing your wants and needs. Though you express them clearly and levelly.

(53:02 - 53:08)

You know, meaning, levelly meaning like in a calm way. In a clear way. Right? With a raised argument.

(53:08 - 53:19)

Not a raised voice. Requesting justifiably what you seek from the relationship or what you need. Without losing your cool.

(53:21 - 53:28)

And a great relationship is the reciprocation of that. Right? Back and forth and being able to talk about this is what I need. And this is what I need.

(53:28 - 53:34)

This is what I'm getting. This is what I'm getting. This is what I feel we should change.

(53:34 - 53:44)

This is what I feel we should change. This doesn't need to happen with every person you talk to. You don't need to drop into that with like, you know, the person who's checking out your groceries.

(53:45 - 53:49)

You know, the grocery store. Necessarily. Some of that's implied.

(53:50 - 54:03)

Right? But. But. That's the process.

(54:04 - 54:10)

That's some of the work. To set those healthy boundaries. Set those healthy patterns.

(54:11 - 54:19)

And just call out those that aren't. But when it gets into those super toxic levels. That's other people's work.

(54:19 - 54:27)

So you don't need to take it on, but you can set clear boundaries. The way to speak to it isn't a calm voice, but a clear voice. Like standing up straight.

(54:28 - 54:33)

Or similar. Right? And just saying. This is unacceptable to me.

(54:33 - 54:39)

This is what I request. Giving it a warning. Maybe two warnings depending on the severity.

(54:40 - 54:45)

But like. The third strike and you're out of there. And this is protecting yourself.

(54:45 - 54:49)

This is. You know. Honoring the relation.

(54:49 - 54:56)

Your relationship with yourself. And this is also. Honoring your positive relationships.

(54:57 - 55:00)

With. Other people in your life. That.

(55:01 - 55:05)

Are terrific. Because they will suffer if you don't. Do that.

(55:05 - 55:10)

Because you're going to be entering into. Those other relationships. With your glass half full.

(55:10 - 55:13)

Because of what. These. Sour.

(55:13 - 55:21)

Toxic relationships are taken away from you. Right? Follow me on that. So.

(55:22 - 55:25)

That's my take. You know really. On.

(55:26 - 55:29)

Relationships. Achieving better relationships. It's some inner work.

(55:29 - 55:34)

Some self work. It's definitely some self-awareness. You know.

(55:34 - 55:40)

It's doing what's required to keep yourself in the. Best state you possibly can. And being mindful.

(55:41 - 55:45)

Of those that are around you. In various ways. But include.

(55:46 - 55:51)

That everyone has someone. Or something to. Teach you.

(55:51 - 55:55)

That. If you look for that. The lesson should reveal itself.

(55:56 - 55:59)

I believe. That people pass through our lives. For that reason.

(56:00 - 56:03)

In many respects. I suggest. There are messengers.

(56:03 - 56:11)

So listen for the messages. Or the messages. And be mindful.

(56:11 - 56:15)

Of those who are. Who are. Needing to do that work.

(56:15 - 56:20)

But have not done that work. And a little more empathy. Maybe for those that are trying to do that work.

(56:21 - 56:23)

And are conscious of it. But are not. Maybe not.

(56:24 - 56:27)

Getting there yet. Those you can kind of go. Hey.

(56:27 - 56:29)

You did that again. And they go. Oh yeah.

(56:29 - 56:32)

You're right. Sorry about that. They're trying.

(56:33 - 56:36)

But the person who's like. I don't care. Rob.

(56:36 - 57:11)

Rob. Rob. Rob.

(57:11 - 57:12)

Rob. You're not the one. Who's out there.

(57:12 - 57:18)

Blasting everyone else. It's tough. It's like all things.

(57:18 - 57:21)

To walk around. Like. Perfectly blissed out.

(57:21 - 57:27)

Zen state. And be really non-reactive. To those types of triggers.

(57:28 - 57:33)

Is healthy. It's not meant to be robotic. You're alive.

(57:33 - 57:36)

You're breathing. You're fluid. But you're just not being.

(57:36 - 57:39)

Owned by these experiences. You're strong. And you're.

(57:39 - 57:41)

Confident. And. And focused.

(57:41 - 57:48)

And. And. And.

(58:01 - 58:11)

And. And. And.

(58:11 - 58:13)

And. With every experience. And.

(58:13 - 58:14)

Constantly. Consider it. Try it.

(58:15 - 58:22)

Be mindful of it. You know? Audit yourself a little bit. Asked how do I behave in these.

(58:22 - 58:28)

Different scenarios? In your intimate. Relationships. You know? With a. With a partner or spouse.

(58:29 - 58:32)

Um. With. You know.

(58:33 - 58:35)

The barista. With. Like your.

(58:35 - 58:39)

Your business partners. Your boss. Your service providers.

(58:41 - 1:00:03)

you know your kids like your friends all this kind of stuff just just observe it for a bit and just see it and you'll recognize yourself doing certain things you'd be like oh man I was that person at that time oh that's not me and you'll recalibrate yourself but then you'll see other people doing it to you and you'll be like hey you know thank you but that's not required I love you but no or hey that's enough of that and I'm I'm out of here have a great day right and you just carry on and you adjust those relationships and if you've listened to this I bet you that starts in earnest already very soon as you take your next steps beyond this episode and I want to hear all about it let me know your thoughts and let me know how that plays out and how it improves your relationships across the board if you want to connect with me all my links are below you know where to find me check out the various ways you can interact or do business with me if you so choose and until the next episode I hope you're having an amazing day and we will talk to you soon